


Always On My Mind

by Adarian



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-15
Updated: 2014-12-15
Packaged: 2018-03-01 15:21:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2778050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adarian/pseuds/Adarian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While Adaar forgives Blackwall publicly, they need to discuss this relationship further in private. Kink-meme prompt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always On My Mind

Adaar was not quite ready to face him yet. She was worried she might cause him physical pain if she saw him in that moment. As Inquisitor, she was furious with the political uproar that would follow his rescue. Treaties formed under Warden influence were suddenly void and the Inquisition was now harbouring a known fugitive after taking advantage of corruption in Orlais. All that alone was a headache she was not ready to deal with.

And there was the question of them. There was little she could say in front of the crowd when he begged for forgiveness. She had simply kissed him on the cheek, acknowledging that he was still under her protection and her lover as this was the only thing that wouldn't damage them in the long term. She didn't want to humiliate him or degrade herself in the process.

She had retreated to her own chambers and dressed in more comfortable clothes. She was in her own space now, on her own ground. While the Inquisitor had made her peace with him, she had not.

Adaar did not rise from her vanity when she heard the knock on the door. She told him to enter, keeping her voice steady.

The man she had known as Blackwall came to her side, kneeling before her on the ground. She allowed him to kiss her hand before he rose.

"I should have waited for you to call for me," he apologized, "But I could wait no longer. Every second not knowing if you hate me, it is torture."

"Then perhaps I should toss you out," she said with a smirk, rising from her seat. 

"I would deserve it if you did."

Adaar sighed, running her hands through her now loosened hair, "What am I going to do with you, Thom?"

"Whatever you want to," he said softly, "I have always been yours to command, my lady. I know you meant to spare my feelings in court. If you have changed your mind or-"

She waved him off, walking to the balcony, "I have not changed my mind and I meant what I said. I want to be with you, but I do not know how to. I can't just go back to how it was. I don't know who you really are, which parts of you are you and not this act you've been putting on for Maker knows how long."

He stood in the archway, looking out towards the mountains.

"Six years," Thom said quietly, "I pretended to be Blackwall for six years. I spent over 30 being Thom Rainier. In those six years, I did more good than Captain Rainier ever did. He made me better. Without his name, I become that man again. I have to own up to his mistakes, his...regrets. I was a coward to abandon that name. I could have atoned, instead of dragging a good man's name through the mud. Blackwall died to give me a chance and I've just screwed it up."

Adaar turned to face him and he met her gaze, "I lied to you about my name and title, my history. But I like to think I am closer now to the man you fell in love with than the man I was six years ago. I will never be Blackwall. I'm not selfless, I'm not brave. But I can try. Even if you leave me now, I will still try to be a better man. But you made it easier. You believed in me, even though I didn't deserve it...or you. I didn't think, I still don't think I deserve for someone to love me again. But you did. I was never sure if you loved me or Blackwall...but you saw me at my worst in that prison and you still cared for me. You see the good in everyone, have faith in even the worst of us."

"I have met much worse men than you, Thom," Adaar said gently, looking back at the mountains, "They tended to pity themselves less than you."

She could almost hear him flinch and she refused to look at him.

"If I forgive myself, I condone what I did," he explained, "And I can never condone what I did. I can accept it, but I will never stop feeling remorse. I will not be the man I was, never again."

Adaar sighed, resting her elbows on the balcony, "No. I guess you won't be."

She turned and admitted, "It's because you lied. None of us are innocent. I've heard pretty much every sob story at Skyhold, I seem to have that effect on people. But you couldn't tell me, face to face. You left me with a piece of paper. You thought you knew what was best for me, not thinking that maybe, just maybe, I was a grown woman and could decide that for myself."

"I just didn't want to hurt you," he whispered, "I have never wanted to hurt you. I would give my life to protect you. I love you. I loved you for so long and I tried to stay away from you. But I just wanted you. If you won't have me, I can't blame you. But I have never loved anything as much as I love you. I don't think I ever will again."

She went to his side and he leaned against the archway. She leaned in tentatively, running her fingers through his beard, as she had a hundred times. He looked up at her, tears streaming down his face. She kissed him softly and he gripped to her, like he was afraid to let go. 

She whispered, "I love who you are, right now, right in this moment and every moment after. But you can't keep things from me. I am not a weak woman. You don't need to protect me. I can take care of myself."

"Forgive me for doubting that," he murmured, brushing the hair from her face, "Forgive me for not trusting you. I will never lie to you again, I swear it."

He kissed her tentatively and she found herself undoing his stays. Thom looked up, his hand on her shoulder.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

She nodded, trying not to cry, "Please."

They kissed again before making their way over to the bed. He laid her down and they continued kissing, their fingers interlaced. She sat up, taking her clothes off slowly and he undressed as well. He knelt above her and their bodies pressed together, their hands trying to touch as much of the other as possible. 

She led him into her and they grasped onto the other. He moved slowly, his skin pressed against hers. There was almost no friction, but she was so happy to be so close to him, so entwined. 

They shifted to lie beside each other on the bed, her leg hooked over his hips as he entered her again. She groaned at the new angle, feeling him kiss down her collarbone, her breasts pressed against his chest. They said nothing, listening to the other breathing. He panted against her, his hands gripping her hips as he picked up the pace. She grinded into him, kissing his shoulder, his hands in his hair. 

She let one hand slip between them, rubbing against her clit, her fingers digging into his skin. He grunted, holding on tighter as he thrust harder. She cried out, trembling. Her other hand went to his ass, squeezing it as he moved. He panted, moaning into her skin. She felt her climax close, but she knew she didn't think she would be able to reach it. She was still too anxious, but she wanted to feel him come inside of her, wanted to see his face. 

She tilted his chin up to kiss him and he trembled, closing his eyes.

"I'm sorry, my lady," he whispered, "I can't last."

He let out a muffled cry, biting his lip as he jutted forward, spilling into her. She sighed as he stilled and withdrew, sliding down between her legs. She gasped out as he thrust his tongue into her sex. She wrapped her thigh around his shoulder and he shifted, his nose grinding against her clit as he worked. 

She came shallowly, her body going through the process without the emotional release she usually felt, the earthshaking sensation throughout her. She pulled him up in a messy kiss and held him to her chest.

They stayed together for a time, not letting go of the other. She realized then that she had not told him she still loved him. But she said nothing. Not yet.


End file.
